a battle of wills

Cory is now 14 months old. I can't believe it. As sentimental as I am about his babyhood slipping away, I have other intentions for this post. As Cory gets older, we delve deeper into understanding his personality and the things that he likes, and of course, the things that he dislikes. I would like to take a moment to share with all of you the person that my little baby is turning into.

Cory is hilarious, and he absolutely loves to laugh. It doesn't take much to get that belly laugh out of him, and it truly melts my heart every time. He laughs at everything. He is definitely ticklish, but he laughs the most when I dance around and almost tickle him. He just cringes in anticipation and thinks it is the funniest thing. He's always been a very smiley baby, and I absolutely love that about him.

One of Cory's favorite things is music. Almost any kind of music stops him in his tracks and catches his attention. He will do one of the following to show he likes the music that's on: 1) he will bounce up and down really fast, or 2) he will shake his head back and forth really fast. He hasn't quite mastered tempo and rhythm, but we've got time for that.

Another thing Cory loves to do is sleep. He sleeps more than any other child I've ever known, which is great for our busy full-time student/part-time employee schedules. All you have to do is say, "Cory, are you ready to go to sleep?" and he gets giddy with excitement.

Cory also adores bath time. He crawls as fast as he can upstairs and to the bathroom as soon as we announce it's time for a bath. He loves the water, and he loves to splash. We know that when he gets a bath, we will have to change clothes afterward seeing as they are soaking wet from all the splashing. Since he has eczema, he can't get a bath very often, but when he does he is the happiest kid on earth.

Now that I've painted a picture for you of the happy-go-lucky baby that Cory is, I would like to counter that by introducing Cory's dark side. After my brother, Tanner, Cory is the most stubborn person I have ever met. He absolutely will not do anything that is not his idea. This is one of the main reasons that he is still not walking. Although, we just found out that his right foot turns inward, I am convinced it is his stubbornness that has prevented this milestone. If we try to make him stand up, sit somewhere, or do anything that he doesn't want to do he throws his arms in the air, bends his legs and slides all the way down to the ground. Yes, it's a little bit funny, but it's mostly frustrating. The most frustrating part for me is knowing that it will only get worse and he will only get more stubborn as he gets older (reminder: I saw evidence of this with my brother) An example of Cory's stubborn nature and the inspiration for this post happened during Cory's "naptime" this morning. Cory is a baby that LOVES a schedule. He put himself on a strict schedule for naps, and he thrives on it. His morning nap is from 10:00 to 11:30 every day, so at 10:00 today I put him down, and he was of course giddy with excitement. I came downstairs and noticed after about 10-15 minutes that he was standing up and talking, which is not like him. Usually, he is asleep within minutes. I figured he had a dirty diaper, so I went to change him and put him back down. I assumed he would go right to sleep, but instead he decided to start a screaming fit. He screamed off and on for about an hour. I went in half way through to rock him for a minute just so he could calm down enough to go back to sleep. After he calmed down and looked very tired, I gave him cues that it was nap time and he got very excited. The second I shut the door the screaming continued. I decided to give him until 11:30 to fall asleep. At 11:20, I started to get nervous and had decided that maybe the morning nap wouldn't happen today. I had accepted it and moved on. I stuck with my plan of 11:30, and at 11:25 I looked at the monitor and what do you know, he was asleep. This is just one example of the "battle of wills" that we experience on a day-to-day basis. I know that this is not unlike many other children, but I fear for what the future holds for this child. Before I talk more about my brother, I want to give a disclaimer that I truly love him. He is such an awesome guy, and we have always been very close. He is very talented and creative, and I know that he has so much in store for his future. Having said that, he is certainly a VERY stubborn person. When he was a child, it was a battle to get him to do ANYTHING. We fought to get him out of bed in the morning, get him to get ready for school, get him to do his homework, get him to take a bath, get him to get out of the bath, and get him to go to bed. It was never-ending and it continued all the way through high school. Tanner just has his own mind, and nobody in the world can change it. I fear that Cory will be like this, and honestly I don't know if I have the strength to parent another Tanner. I do know, however, that God gave me this child and He gave me the gift of being Cory's mom, and I am so grateful for that no matter how stubborn Cory gets. I love that little guy more than life, and he is such a joy to have around. I just know that we will have many battles of wills, and I pray that God gives me the strength and patience to live through them all.

plans

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'"

Jeremiah 29:11

This is my absolute favorite verse. I'm sure that I share that opinion with many other people. I love this verse for so many reasons. Every time I read it, I feel complete escape from my perfectionistic instincts to create plans for everything in my life. Trust me, this is a freeing feeling for someone like me. This verse also gives me comfort in knowing that any decision that must be made in my life has already been written out for me by my wonderful creator. God has made plans for our lives and He, and only He, can fully understand them. The other comfort I have in this verse relates to God's provision. Kai has a tattoo on his back that says "Jehovah Jireh", which means God, our provider. When he got the tattoo, at the wise age of 17, we both made a commitment that we would always trust God's provision for our lives, and we have done so ever since. God has proven Himself to us many times by providing in times that we didn't see how it would be possible. He continues to show this in our lives, and I am so thankful for that.

new year, new focus

The month of January, for me, is a month to breathe. After a whirlwind of a month called December, I need an entire month focused on resting and breathing. I have the whole month off from school, so I intend to live. it. up. December was so ridiculous that I honestly do not remember resting once. This January, more than any other, I am planning to really get back on track with some things in my life. I plan to clean out every closet, drawer and corner in our whole house. I want to know right where everything is, and put things back where they go when I use them (what a concept). Usually, by the time fall hits, I am so overwhelmed with everything, that I cannot even think about focusing or refocusing anything. Now I have the time, so I better do it. Here are just a few things I need to redirect my focus to:

1. God- He is somehow never at the top of my list, which is just unacceptable. I am making a commitment to Him this year to be my first priority each day.

2. Money- Now that Kai has gone back to school, we don't have much of this, so the small amounts that do trickle in need to have a serious purpose. I have never been one for budgeting only because it's easier not to, but now I have no choice. I am making a commitment to budget every penny, so that we know where our money is going and what we can actually afford.

3. Food- For those of you who know me well, this is a big deal. For those of you who don't, well....another post for another day. I am an extremely busy being a student, employee, wife and mom. Because of this, I need energy to make it through the day, and to have that energy, I need to monitor what I am eating and make sure that everything I eat will boost my energy and not tear me down.

4. Family- Last, but most certainly not least, I want to focus on my family. I have strong desires to make lasting memories with Kai and Cory, and I do not want to take the time I have with them for granted because I am tired or stressed. I wish we had the time and money to have fun together all day, but since we don't, I have to make a commitment to focus on them when we do have the time together.

With these commitments, I need accountability. It is easy to make personal commitments that nobody knows about, and therefore, nobody can help with. I need accountability and people to check in on me and make sure I am focusing on what needs to be focused on. This January will be a month for new routines that will hopefully live on once school starts and things get crazy. I need to manage my time, energy and resources in a way that I can accomplish what I need to accomplish while also enjoying myself. I guess the reason for this post is to make a public statement to my friends and family sharing with you all what I need to focus on, so that you can check in with me and help me along the way.

I love having a fresh start at the beginning of a new year, and I am hoping that these new commitments will continue on past this year and hopefully require less refocusing and committing next January.

holiday recovery

Ahh, finally I have time to blog again. The last few weeks have been rather crazy in the Buwalda household. This next week will add some extra craziness as well, but before I get into that I would like to quickly recap everything that has been going on. I finished school (YES!). This was not an easy task with a job, and active 13 month old, and a house that needs constant attention. I worked really hard at work to get several weeks ahead so that I could complete my other life tasks. The day after my finals at school were due, we headed out for a week-long family vacation to Utah. As much as I was looking forward to going on vacation, the stress of packing with all the weight and bag limit restrictions was too much to handle. I can barely pack up for a weekend in chicago when my only limitations are whatever fits in my Pilot. The fact that I had to pack no more than 2 bags for each of us, including 2 snowboard bags and a pack and play was a lot of pressure, not to mention the whole issue of carry-on bags. How am I supposed to predict what it will take to make a 13-month old happy and quiet on a 3 hour plane ride? Regardless, I got it done, and we made it there with only 1 bag that was 8 lbs. overweight :-/ The vacation was wonderful, and Cory was great on the flight and through the whole week. We got home very late on the night before Christmas Eve, and thus began the craziness of the holidays and all that comes along with it including cookie-baking, Christmas Eve services, family gatherings, all while just wanting to sit at home and rest up from the trip. I had to work this morning (the day after Christmas) but after that I came home and Cory and I took a 4 hour nap. He must have been just as worn out as I was from the last few weeks. Either way, we survived the holidays with family, and we got done almost everything that we needed to get done.

Our next big adventure is this Tuesday. Cory is getting tubes in his ears very early Tuesday morning and that afternoon I am having sinus surgery. I cannot say that I'm not nervous about surgery, but I am much more nervous about the fact that they won't let me eat the whole day, and my surgery isn't until 1. I don't think I've even made it until 10:00 without eating before. This should be very interesting. I am not pleased with this surgery, but I am so looking forward to the relief from frequent sinus infections.

I am very excited for Cory to get tubes because that poor boy needs some relief as well. Not only that, but we are hoping this will help with some developmental delays he is experiencing. He is behind in communication and gross motor skills which could be caused from the fluid in his ears. We are hoping that this under-water feeling goes away so that he can learn to form words on his own and gain some balance. The gross motor problem might still exist, but he all of the sudden has decided to pull up on everything. Hopefully with some physical therapy and strong motivators we can get this kid walking.

Prayers over these next few days would be appreciated. Prayers for our surgeries as well as prayers for Kai and his sanity while he helps us recover.

procrastination

I honestly don't know how I can want so badly to avoid something, but it inevitably sneaks its way into my life. What is that something? Procrastination. Every upcoming project that arises begins with a go-get-em attitude where nothing can stop me, and then somehow many many many days pass and all of the sudden I'm left with a fast approaching deadline and lots of work left to do. This happens with everything in my life, but it happens most often with schoolwork. Every. Single. Semester. It's exhausting. I start out every semester saying, "I will get things done on time" or even "I will work ahead and get things turned in early" Nope. Never happens. Instead, what happens is that I get so ridiculously far behind that I sometimes have to drop classes because there's no possible way that I can finish. Well, this semester is no different. However, the big problem is that I am graduating in May and I cannot drop any classes. If I do, I can't graduate on time and I will lose financial aid. Pretty serious consequences. So basically, I don't have a choice. I have to finish. Let me briefly express some of the deadlines I have this month so that you might get a small glimpse into the stress I have for the next few weeks.

The following is a list of the homework assignments I have left to do before December 16. Yes, that is 16 days away. I'm aware.

9 Accounting Homework Assignments

4 Accounting Tests

1 Accounting Paper

1 LARGE Economics assignment

1 Economics Final Exam

1 Novel to read and paper to write for Child Psychology

1 Assignment for Child Psych (including 3 interviews and 3 papers)

1 20-Page Paper for Child Psych

1 Final Paper (4 pages) for E-Commerce

In addition to all of that school work, I have a baby shower to host, a job that I have to get ahead on because I will be missing two weeks in a row due to vacation and sinus surgery, a very active 13-month old to take care of, a house to keep semi-clean, Christmas gifts to buy and wrap, and a vacation to pack for. This isn't packing like I usually do when I stuff our car full of anything we could possibly need while we're gone. No. I have to pack for all three of us to go on an airplane. We are restricted to 4 checked bags including 2 snowboard bags and a pack and play, and we can only have 2 carry-ons each which will be filled with infinite activities to keep Cory quiet on the plane. My head is spinning just because of the thought of taking Cory on a plane. I am grateful for the education I am getting, I am grateful for a wonderful job and VERY understanding boss, I am SO grateful for my sister-in-law and her wonderful baby boy that will be joining our family, I am so grateful for Cory and my house that I need to clean, and I am extremely grateful for the chance to go snowboarding in Utah with my family. This gratefulness, however, does not take away the overwhelming stress that I am experiencing because of all of these wonderful things.

I want no pity from this post. I brought it on myself. What I do want is to explain to everyone I know why I may not be responding to e-mails, texts, phone calls or facebook messages for the month of December. All my homework is due December 16. Then, we leave for our trip Dec. 17 and return on Christmas Eve. December 28th I am having sinus surgery. My goal is to basically just survive through the month December. So, here's to December...I hope I make it through alive and in one piece. See you all in January. Thank you, procrastination, for taking over my life once again.

veteran's day

On December 4, 2003 Kai enlisted in the Army National Guard. It's hard to believe that for almost 7 years we have lived the military lifestyle even if sometimes it's only "part-time". These last 7 years have brought many struggles and difficulties, but there are many things to be grateful for as well.

Kai and I started dating October of 2002, so for almost the entirety of our relationship Kai has been in the Army. When I was a kid, I decided that I would never marry a man who was an astronaut, cop, fireman or in the military, but what do you do when your 17 year old boyfriend wants to join the Army and you really like him? I'll tell you what you do. You suck it up, support him and realize that this is what he's supposed to do. This is definitely what Kai is supposed to do. As much as he hates going to drill, he loves being in the Army, and he thrives there.

In February of 2008, we had a huge bomb dropped on us. We had only been married 8 months when we were informed that Kai was being deployed to Iraq for 12 months. It was a VERY difficult piece of information for me to digest. Over the next 4 months, I lived with fear, dread, anxiety, and quite frankly, a sense of impending doom. How could I, at age 21, accept the fact that my husband was going off to war? It was tough. He left July 15, 2008 for training. He came home for 4 days at the beginning of September, and then on September 7, 2009, we said goodbye. It was and might always be the hardest day of my life. How do you cope with something like that? And so it began. Our very long and emotional journey through a 12-month deployment. He came home in February for 2 weeks, but other than that we were apart until July 1, 2009 (one of the best days of my life).

As hard as the deployment was for me, I know it was even harder for Kai. He was living in a war zone, going on dangerous missions almost every day, missing out on every birthday, holiday and big event going on at home. He made so many sacrifices over that year.

That deployment was very difficult, and I never want to do it again. However, I am so grateful for the experience we had, and I am so proud of Kai. I was always proud of him for being in the Army, but there is something to be said for actually going to Iraq and living in a combat zone for several months. We gained a huge sense of appreciation for each other and our marriage. God taught us a lot over that year, and I am happy for what we learned.

Today, and everyday, I am thankful for Kai, his battle buddies, and all other service men and women who have fought for our country. I am thankful that Kai and his unit made it home safely, and I pray for those who did not. As Americans, we can never truly understand what these service men and women have gone through, and we can never thank them enough. They have done more for me than I have ever done for anyone, and for that I say, "Thank You!"

September 7, 2008

February 10, 2009

a time for reflection

It's a few days late, but I felt I needed to reflect a bit on the last year of my life. On November 6, 2009 at 11:14 PM, we welcomed the most beautiful baby into this world. (really, he was) I could not have been happier to 1) not be pregnant anymore 2) have actually lived through that delivery and 3) meet the little buddy we had been praying over for the last 9 months. It was the most amazing moment of my life.

I have heard so many cliche sayings from other moms like, "having a baby will change your life", "it is love at first sight" and "once you hold that baby in your arms you forget all the pain and effort it took to get to that point". People can tell you these things over and over again, but until you've actually endured a 40-week (or longer) pregnancy, and endured a 36-hour (or longer) labor and gone through the emotional ups and downs of pregnancy and giving birth, you absolutely cannot understand what these women are telling you. It is amazing how you instantly have a bond, not only with that adorable little baby, but also with every single other mom on this earth as soon as you give birth. Being a mom is like nothing else in the world, and we can all relate on a level that, I believe, nobody else can. It's incredible.

Aside from all that, I just want to write a bit about how Cory has changed my life over the last year. Up until and probably including November 6, I was not sure I could be a mom. How do you really know if you're ready? You don't. Nobody can ever prepare you for motherhood. Luckily, though, instinct kicks in and you figure things out. I'm not going to lie and say we did not have a few mishaps with Cory over the last year, but overall, we knew what to do and, more importantly, what not to do. It's a pretty terrifying thing being sent home with an 8 lb. newborn that has no idea what's going on with this new world knowing that you and your husband alone have to care for this child and sustain his life. At the beginning it was hard caring for this baby every second of the day without any sort of reward from him. However, that all changed when I got to experience his first smile. I hope I never forget that day. I was so tired, and all I wanted to do was sleep for about 4 days in order to recover from what I had been through the last 3 weeks. I was holding Cory in our room, looking at him and then like a beam of light he smiled at me. Granted, it was pretty deformed and it seemed to take a lot of work on his part, but it was miraculous nonetheless. I couldn't believe that this little being I had been caring for was actually showing love and emotion. It melted my heart in a way that I can never really explain. From that moment on it was day in and day out of new experiences and new expressions of love. He is my everything. He has taught me what it means to love and what it means to sacrifice what I want for what someone else needs. It doesn't matter what I feel like doing, I have to feed Cory and take care of him every day. Some days it takes more effort than others, but I know I have to do it for him. Even when I don't feel well, I still want to be with him. I hate every second I'm away from him. I still get giddy in the morning when it's time to get him out of bed. He's such a joy, and every day seems to get better. This first year has brought so many laughs, smiles, kisses, hugs, tears, worries, and prayers. Although it hasn't been perfect, I wouldn't trade any second of it.

I am so grateful for every moment I have had with my little buddy, and I cannot wait to see the man he grows into (a long, long time from now).