"once i'm done with school"

After 6 1/2 long years of going to school while getting married, going through a deployment, buying a house and having a baby, I have finally finished college. There were many times that I did not think I could do it, and it seemed impossible. Especially when I had to retake Accounting twice and ask for multiple extensions (oops), but here I am at the end, and it's unreal that I really did it. I actually have a college degree. I don't have any real intentions of using it right now, but I have it and I did it. I'm not usually proud of myself for very many things, but I am pretty proud on this one. I took a full load of classes the semester Cory was born and the semesters after. It was crazy, terrible, and frustrating, but it's over. I have learned a lot about myself and what I can do with focus and determination. I'm thankful for this example of what I can accomplish with God's help. He led me through this journey, and He made it possible to finish. I am so thankful that it's over, but I am so thankful that it happened as well.

Now, what to do with all of my free time....KIDDING, I have a list that I've been compiling for the past few years that's labeled "once i'm done with school"

Once I'm done with school I will....
read for pleasure because I never have
take naps and not feel guilty about it
organize every drawer, cupboard and closet that has been neglected
finally organize our family budget
work hard on building up my business
take time to breathe, rest, and recover
enjoy time with Cory without thinking "I should be doing homework"
watch entire seasons of tv shows on netflix
Sleep in
Stay up late
and enjoy life!

two years

Two years ago on November 6 at 11:14 PM after a VERY long day, I got to meet Cory Harper Buwalda. I didn't know very much about him then other than the fact that I already had so much love for him. He was adorable, perfect and squishy and I just loved him. Every day with him, I learned a little more about him and a little more about me. He's my little buddy. Now, after 2 years, I know a lot more things about him:

He loves baths
He loves suckers, cookies, tootsie rolls, carrots, popcorn, yogurt, fruit smoothies, and cereal
He loves balloons
He love the vacuum
He loves anything that makes him feel like a "big boy"
He loves to sleep
He lovest to swing
He loves music, dancing and singing
He loves his family
He loves our dog, maggie (even though the feeling is not mutual)
He loves ringing the doorbell
He loves taking walks
He loves riding in the car, but loves it even more when we get where we're going
He loves elmo, barney, blue's clues and backyardigans
He loves all 10 of his stuffed animals plus two blankies that he has to have to go to sleep
He loves riding the train in chicago
He loves playing games on the iPad
He loves wearing glasses
He loves giving hugs and kisses

He doesn't love being told no
He doesn't love peas, green beans, meat, bread
He doesn't love being buckled in his high chair
He doesn't love sharing toys
He doesn't love messes, especially on his hands
He doesn't love when things aren't exactly the way he wants them to be

Some of these things, I'm sure, are true with all kids his age, but the list speaks for itself to say that Cory is a pretty happy guy and he has a lot of joyful things in his life. There are days that he tests my patience, but I wouldn't trade any moment with this kid. He is so sweet, loving, happy, wild and funny. I'm so excited to see the man that he becomes, but more excited to enjoy every second I can with him before that.

embrace it

So here we are, it's November 3. Not sure how that happened or when summer even started. My life has been one crazy whirlwind this last, well few years actually. I embraced fall early this year and I got my fall decorations out early and we picked pumpkins early, and it was nice. I got tired of fighting something that was all around me. I used to wait until October 1st or at least until I needed a jacket outside, but this year I decided to just embrace it and enjoy it early because everyone else was. Well, I'm here again. Everyone is talking about Christmas and listening to Christmas music and my instinct is to say, "NO, it's not even thanksgiving yet, you can't skip a holiday!" However, I'm realizing that there is this really awkward "in between" time after Halloween until Thanksgiving. Yes, I have A turkey and I leave up my pumpkins, but what else is there to do before thanksgiving. There are no presents to buy, no costumes to plan, there's really nothing other than express gratitude for everything in your life (which I absolutely am doing). Anyway, I've decided that Thanksgiving is basically apart of the Christmas season. Why does the magic of Christmas have to wait until the day after Thanksgiving. I want to celebrate it as long as possible! All that to say, I'm listening to Christmas music today. And I'm loving it. Why fight it anymore. It's here and it makes me happy, and on days that I can hardly get off the couch or open my mouth from fear of vomiting (sorry, too graphic) I need something that makes me happy. Even if it's as simple as Christmas music on Pandora.

"It's the most wonderful time of the year..."

step 1...2...3...

It is the middle of August. Seriously? I mean, really, I hate making cliche statements about how fast the time goes, but for real. August. Anyway, I think it's time I update any "followers" on my food changes that I wrote about in the spring. I have made a lot of changes since then that have actually stuck....surprisingly. I'm not going to get into all the details, but I am an extremely picky eater and have tried (and failed) to fix that many times throughout my life. Something is different about this time. I'm not sure if it's that I'm more informed, or maybe that I'm more motivated. Whatever it is, it's working, and I'm making huge changes that are causing noticeable differences in my daily life. 

Let's start with step 1. (by the way, these steps are absolutely not thought out and I am making them up as I go...I don't know how many steps there will be or even what they are. I hardly know what step I'm on right now) For the first step, I cut out a lot of food that I had become so accustomed to eating and rarely thought about them being bad for me. I certainly wasn't naive to the fact that they were bad for me, but I wasn't really aware of why they were bad or to what extent. I cut out (almost) all of the foods that had any sort of artificial colors and flavors, and anything with hydrogenated oils or high fructose corn syrup. This was a daunting task because seriously everything I was used to eating had all of this stuff. Once I was informed about how bad this stuff is for my body, I was too disgusted to eat it anymore. That helped in implementing a quick change to eliminated the bad. The next step was to replace that bad with better choices. Mostly what I'm talking about here is snack foods. Meals are a whole other ball game for a whole other step. I started buying all natural snacks including crackers, cereal, cheese, yogurt and even cookies. All natural meaning that they are made with whole foods and whole grains instead of fake junk. This step was actually pretty exciting because I realized I didn't have to actually give up snacks, I just had to find different brands that made better versions of the snacks I enjoy, and honestly, some of them are better than the ones I used to eat. We made this change pretty much overnight. It was costly, but it was completely worth it. Now it is just second nature. I haven't even tasted Lucky Charms or Ritz Crackers since we switched, and I like my new versions better. (Mom's Best Mallow Oats and Back to Nature Classic Rounds). I started feeling a little better after we made these first few changes. I felt better because of the junk I had taken out of my diet, but I also felt better about the idea of actually making changes in my diet. 

The next step (2...or 3...or something) started last week. My friend, Leah, has taken it upon herself to help/coach me along in this journey, and I am beyond grateful for her help. I met with her last week, and we talked about the issues I have with food and the progress I've already made, but also the progress that still needs to be made. I have conquered a lot with changing our snack foods and switching to organic milk and fruit, but there are still these 3 giant hurdles to overcome everyday, and they are breakfast, lunch and dinner. I cannot call what I'm doing changing my diet if I'm not changing my actual meals. The meals are much harder to overcome because they consist of a lot more varieties than what I'm ready to try. Either way, it must be done. We've started with the most manageable of the three: breakfast. For the last 7 days, we have made smoothies for breakfast. These aren't just any smoothies. They are mega smoothies packed with tons of nutrients that I haven't had in my body since I was forced to eat green beans at the dinner table when I was 5. Our smoothies have a banana, a peach, strawberries, yogurt, milk and get this: spinach. I know it sounds crazy, but let me tell you what, they are delicious!!! And besides that, they are so ridiculously good for me! Kai and Cory love them too. I have been amazed with the difference in how I have felt just after a week of introducing these "new" foods. I've completely skipped my usual 10 am blood sugar crash, and I haven't taken any naps all week. These might not seem like that big of a deal, but for someone who has about 3 sugar crashes a day and can barely function without a nap, they're huge! It's crazy to think that one drink in the morning can make that big of a difference, but it has. 

So, that's where I am right now. I have a long way to go and many more changes ahead, but I'm proud of myself for how far I've come, and I can't wait to see what else is in store and how much better I can feel when I conquer more. For anyone still reading by this point, thank you for letting me share my journey with you. I would appreciate any prayers and support that you can offer because this is a tough road ahead. I know I'll have weak days where all I want is pizza (heck, that's actually everyday), but I hope that one day eating healthy will become second nature and I won't have to try so hard to overcome weaknesses. Here's to taking on step 4...or is it step 5? Either way, I'm ready! 

summa summa summatime

It is now July 8 and I finally feel like summer vacation has started. We had a lot going on throughout May and June including visitors, finals, sickness, a garage sale, a wedding shower, a wedding, two chicago trips and more visitors. It was all really fun, but it kept us very busy. Now that "summer" has started around the Buwalda house, we are ready to relax, have fun, play in the water as much as possible, hang out with friends, and enjoy time together as a family before school starts again in August and time starts speeding by.

Here is a glimpse into some of the fun we had over the last two months:

 Family pictures

 Cory had his 18 month check-up

 Played at the park a lot and wore sunglasses ALOT

 First Tincaps Game

 Hit up some garage sales

 Lots of reading and tests

 Visits from family and playing with iPads

 a family of sickies

 laundry, laundry, laundry

 hiding from tornadoes

Office/Playroom organizing

 Chicago Trip #1

 First trip to the zoo

 Haircuts

 Another Tin Caps game

 Cousin Slumber Party

 Garage Sale

 Lots of slide time

 Hard Work

 Welcoming Daddy home after two weeks of training

 Cleaning

 Potty-ing (not really)

 Chicago Trip #2

More Cousin Slumber Party-ing

"ch-ch-ch-ch-changes"

Well, I have been MIA for quite awhile. This always happens to me a month or two into the semester when I get behind in school and overwhelmed with life. I'm doing fine, though, and I intend whole heartedly to finish this semester on time and enjoy a 3 month break before starting my FINAL semester before graduation. EEEEEP!

Today, however, I'm taking a break from school. My mind is running a million miles an hour and school just doesn't fit into the tornado of thoughts today. I went to Mom2Mom today, which is a ministry at our church for moms to come together and connect. I knew ahead of time that we were having a speaker come and talk about nutrition and wellness...blech. I sooo wanted to skip. I hate hearing about it because I know I'm guilty of one unhealthy eating habit after another, and I've tried time and time again to "cure" myself of this. It just wasn't happening. I didn't see the point in going to hear another lecture on how I need to stop eating pizza and start eating chicken and veggies and beans....please. However, amidst my angst and judgments, something inside was telling me to go, so I went. I went with a closed mind and a chip on my shoulder, but I went...and boy am I glad I did! God spoke to me very clearly through this talk and I knew He meant it. Jill Sell was our speaker, and she said so many brilliant things that I could not even begin to repeat any of the wonderful things she shared. All I can say is that my mind and heart were literally ripped open. I clung onto every word she said and I took it so deep into my heart. Something inside of me changed today, and I don't know for sure where it's going to take me, but I know it is going to bring about huge changes in my life. I am 24 years old and I want to live a long, healthy and energetic life. I can't do that if I don't make some changes in my eating habits. For anyone who knows even the slightest bit about me, this is going to be a shock, but before anyone comes at me with the "oh, you could never do that" or "yea right, Tracey" comments, I want you to hear my heart and know that God is making this change in me. There is no way on earth that I could change my eating habits on my own. Trust me, I've tried. I am only going to be able to do this with God leading me. I know He has big plans for me in my life, and it is my responsibility to take action to make my body healthy so that I can live out His plans. I haven't actually formulated a plan, but I have put some people in place to talk to who can help me through this journey. It's going to take a lot of work, a lot of patience, a lot of tears and a lot of prayer, but I am determined to change the way I eat, so that I can have confidence in my eating habits instead of hiding them.

So there it is. A plan....sort of.  I covet your prayers and encouragement through this time. It's going to be rough and it's going to take changing a lot about what my mind tells me about food, but I know that God can make this change in me.

So, let's all sing it out with David Bowie...
"ch-ch-ch-ch-changes, turn and face the strain...ch-ch-changes..."

expectations

Motherhood is filled with expectations--most of them failed expectations. These expectations start the day you find out you're pregnant. There are expectations about the gender of the baby, when the baby will be born, how big the baby will be, how labor and delivery will go, how breastfeeding will go, when your baby will reach any and all milestones, when your baby will get teeth, when your baby will walk, and talk, and run and jump and sleep through the night and eat with a spoon. The list itself is exhausting, so imagine actually living through this. If you are a mom, you have.

I was given a ridiculous amount of advice through my pregnancy and through Cory's first year, but the one piece of advice I was not given was not to expect anything. If I were giving anyone who is about to have children any advice that is what it would be: Don't Expect ANYTHING! There's no need for it, and all it does is set everyone up for failure.

I had expectations for all things listed above, and out of all of those, the only thing that met my expectations was that Cory was born a boy...and I only expected him to be a boy because the ultrasound tech told me he was. Other than that, every single one of my expectations failed. Am I upset about it? Absolutely not. The only thing I am upset about is that I set myself and Cory up for failure from day one. How can I expect anything about something I've never done. Every mom and baby is different and will do everything differently than someone else. Not a single birth story is the same, so why would I expect my birth story to go just how I planned it to go? Not every baby is the same, so how can I expect Cory to follow all "milestone marks"?

It seems so simple. Just don't expect anything. Let everything happen. Simple, right? Nope! It's a VERY difficult thing to let go of. I'm not sure about anyone else, but for me, the idea of "expecting" and "planning" is my way of thinking that I am "controlling" how things will play out. But, am I actually in control of all of this? As much as I like to think so, I'm not. I can't control one thing about Cory other than what he wears, and even then, he will get it dirty before I need him to wear it, so I wouldn't even say I control that. God is in control of everything, and He has taught me more in the last two years than in my entire life. Confession: I have control issues...ha! understatement of the century. I have had huge events in my life that have forced me to give up control. My husband was in Iraq for 12 months...talk about a loss of control. And now, I have a 15 month old son who cannot walk...loss of control. It would seem that my life is spiraling out of control, when in fact, I am learning to give up control and give it back to who it belongs to. God has the control of my and Cory's life, so why am I fighting to take something that can never be mine?

I wish I could have realized this about 2 years ago and I could have saved myself a great deal of stress, anxiety, grief, guilt and sorrow. Even though all of my expectations failed, I feel that neither I nor Cory has failed. Every part of my pregnancy, delivery and every stage of Cory's life has gone exactly how God intended it to go, and to know that, gives me a sense of security that no expectation can ever give. Praise God for being in control of us.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. "

John 16:33 (NIV)