expectations

Motherhood is filled with expectations--most of them failed expectations. These expectations start the day you find out you're pregnant. There are expectations about the gender of the baby, when the baby will be born, how big the baby will be, how labor and delivery will go, how breastfeeding will go, when your baby will reach any and all milestones, when your baby will get teeth, when your baby will walk, and talk, and run and jump and sleep through the night and eat with a spoon. The list itself is exhausting, so imagine actually living through this. If you are a mom, you have.

I was given a ridiculous amount of advice through my pregnancy and through Cory's first year, but the one piece of advice I was not given was not to expect anything. If I were giving anyone who is about to have children any advice that is what it would be: Don't Expect ANYTHING! There's no need for it, and all it does is set everyone up for failure.

I had expectations for all things listed above, and out of all of those, the only thing that met my expectations was that Cory was born a boy...and I only expected him to be a boy because the ultrasound tech told me he was. Other than that, every single one of my expectations failed. Am I upset about it? Absolutely not. The only thing I am upset about is that I set myself and Cory up for failure from day one. How can I expect anything about something I've never done. Every mom and baby is different and will do everything differently than someone else. Not a single birth story is the same, so why would I expect my birth story to go just how I planned it to go? Not every baby is the same, so how can I expect Cory to follow all "milestone marks"?

It seems so simple. Just don't expect anything. Let everything happen. Simple, right? Nope! It's a VERY difficult thing to let go of. I'm not sure about anyone else, but for me, the idea of "expecting" and "planning" is my way of thinking that I am "controlling" how things will play out. But, am I actually in control of all of this? As much as I like to think so, I'm not. I can't control one thing about Cory other than what he wears, and even then, he will get it dirty before I need him to wear it, so I wouldn't even say I control that. God is in control of everything, and He has taught me more in the last two years than in my entire life. Confession: I have control issues...ha! understatement of the century. I have had huge events in my life that have forced me to give up control. My husband was in Iraq for 12 months...talk about a loss of control. And now, I have a 15 month old son who cannot walk...loss of control. It would seem that my life is spiraling out of control, when in fact, I am learning to give up control and give it back to who it belongs to. God has the control of my and Cory's life, so why am I fighting to take something that can never be mine?

I wish I could have realized this about 2 years ago and I could have saved myself a great deal of stress, anxiety, grief, guilt and sorrow. Even though all of my expectations failed, I feel that neither I nor Cory has failed. Every part of my pregnancy, delivery and every stage of Cory's life has gone exactly how God intended it to go, and to know that, gives me a sense of security that no expectation can ever give. Praise God for being in control of us.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. "

John 16:33 (NIV)