step 1...2...3...

It is the middle of August. Seriously? I mean, really, I hate making cliche statements about how fast the time goes, but for real. August. Anyway, I think it's time I update any "followers" on my food changes that I wrote about in the spring. I have made a lot of changes since then that have actually stuck....surprisingly. I'm not going to get into all the details, but I am an extremely picky eater and have tried (and failed) to fix that many times throughout my life. Something is different about this time. I'm not sure if it's that I'm more informed, or maybe that I'm more motivated. Whatever it is, it's working, and I'm making huge changes that are causing noticeable differences in my daily life. 

Let's start with step 1. (by the way, these steps are absolutely not thought out and I am making them up as I go...I don't know how many steps there will be or even what they are. I hardly know what step I'm on right now) For the first step, I cut out a lot of food that I had become so accustomed to eating and rarely thought about them being bad for me. I certainly wasn't naive to the fact that they were bad for me, but I wasn't really aware of why they were bad or to what extent. I cut out (almost) all of the foods that had any sort of artificial colors and flavors, and anything with hydrogenated oils or high fructose corn syrup. This was a daunting task because seriously everything I was used to eating had all of this stuff. Once I was informed about how bad this stuff is for my body, I was too disgusted to eat it anymore. That helped in implementing a quick change to eliminated the bad. The next step was to replace that bad with better choices. Mostly what I'm talking about here is snack foods. Meals are a whole other ball game for a whole other step. I started buying all natural snacks including crackers, cereal, cheese, yogurt and even cookies. All natural meaning that they are made with whole foods and whole grains instead of fake junk. This step was actually pretty exciting because I realized I didn't have to actually give up snacks, I just had to find different brands that made better versions of the snacks I enjoy, and honestly, some of them are better than the ones I used to eat. We made this change pretty much overnight. It was costly, but it was completely worth it. Now it is just second nature. I haven't even tasted Lucky Charms or Ritz Crackers since we switched, and I like my new versions better. (Mom's Best Mallow Oats and Back to Nature Classic Rounds). I started feeling a little better after we made these first few changes. I felt better because of the junk I had taken out of my diet, but I also felt better about the idea of actually making changes in my diet. 

The next step (2...or 3...or something) started last week. My friend, Leah, has taken it upon herself to help/coach me along in this journey, and I am beyond grateful for her help. I met with her last week, and we talked about the issues I have with food and the progress I've already made, but also the progress that still needs to be made. I have conquered a lot with changing our snack foods and switching to organic milk and fruit, but there are still these 3 giant hurdles to overcome everyday, and they are breakfast, lunch and dinner. I cannot call what I'm doing changing my diet if I'm not changing my actual meals. The meals are much harder to overcome because they consist of a lot more varieties than what I'm ready to try. Either way, it must be done. We've started with the most manageable of the three: breakfast. For the last 7 days, we have made smoothies for breakfast. These aren't just any smoothies. They are mega smoothies packed with tons of nutrients that I haven't had in my body since I was forced to eat green beans at the dinner table when I was 5. Our smoothies have a banana, a peach, strawberries, yogurt, milk and get this: spinach. I know it sounds crazy, but let me tell you what, they are delicious!!! And besides that, they are so ridiculously good for me! Kai and Cory love them too. I have been amazed with the difference in how I have felt just after a week of introducing these "new" foods. I've completely skipped my usual 10 am blood sugar crash, and I haven't taken any naps all week. These might not seem like that big of a deal, but for someone who has about 3 sugar crashes a day and can barely function without a nap, they're huge! It's crazy to think that one drink in the morning can make that big of a difference, but it has. 

So, that's where I am right now. I have a long way to go and many more changes ahead, but I'm proud of myself for how far I've come, and I can't wait to see what else is in store and how much better I can feel when I conquer more. For anyone still reading by this point, thank you for letting me share my journey with you. I would appreciate any prayers and support that you can offer because this is a tough road ahead. I know I'll have weak days where all I want is pizza (heck, that's actually everyday), but I hope that one day eating healthy will become second nature and I won't have to try so hard to overcome weaknesses. Here's to taking on step 4...or is it step 5? Either way, I'm ready! 

summa summa summatime

It is now July 8 and I finally feel like summer vacation has started. We had a lot going on throughout May and June including visitors, finals, sickness, a garage sale, a wedding shower, a wedding, two chicago trips and more visitors. It was all really fun, but it kept us very busy. Now that "summer" has started around the Buwalda house, we are ready to relax, have fun, play in the water as much as possible, hang out with friends, and enjoy time together as a family before school starts again in August and time starts speeding by.

Here is a glimpse into some of the fun we had over the last two months:

 Family pictures

 Cory had his 18 month check-up

 Played at the park a lot and wore sunglasses ALOT

 First Tincaps Game

 Hit up some garage sales

 Lots of reading and tests

 Visits from family and playing with iPads

 a family of sickies

 laundry, laundry, laundry

 hiding from tornadoes

Office/Playroom organizing

 Chicago Trip #1

 First trip to the zoo

 Haircuts

 Another Tin Caps game

 Cousin Slumber Party

 Garage Sale

 Lots of slide time

 Hard Work

 Welcoming Daddy home after two weeks of training

 Cleaning

 Potty-ing (not really)

 Chicago Trip #2

More Cousin Slumber Party-ing

"ch-ch-ch-ch-changes"

Well, I have been MIA for quite awhile. This always happens to me a month or two into the semester when I get behind in school and overwhelmed with life. I'm doing fine, though, and I intend whole heartedly to finish this semester on time and enjoy a 3 month break before starting my FINAL semester before graduation. EEEEEP!

Today, however, I'm taking a break from school. My mind is running a million miles an hour and school just doesn't fit into the tornado of thoughts today. I went to Mom2Mom today, which is a ministry at our church for moms to come together and connect. I knew ahead of time that we were having a speaker come and talk about nutrition and wellness...blech. I sooo wanted to skip. I hate hearing about it because I know I'm guilty of one unhealthy eating habit after another, and I've tried time and time again to "cure" myself of this. It just wasn't happening. I didn't see the point in going to hear another lecture on how I need to stop eating pizza and start eating chicken and veggies and beans....please. However, amidst my angst and judgments, something inside was telling me to go, so I went. I went with a closed mind and a chip on my shoulder, but I went...and boy am I glad I did! God spoke to me very clearly through this talk and I knew He meant it. Jill Sell was our speaker, and she said so many brilliant things that I could not even begin to repeat any of the wonderful things she shared. All I can say is that my mind and heart were literally ripped open. I clung onto every word she said and I took it so deep into my heart. Something inside of me changed today, and I don't know for sure where it's going to take me, but I know it is going to bring about huge changes in my life. I am 24 years old and I want to live a long, healthy and energetic life. I can't do that if I don't make some changes in my eating habits. For anyone who knows even the slightest bit about me, this is going to be a shock, but before anyone comes at me with the "oh, you could never do that" or "yea right, Tracey" comments, I want you to hear my heart and know that God is making this change in me. There is no way on earth that I could change my eating habits on my own. Trust me, I've tried. I am only going to be able to do this with God leading me. I know He has big plans for me in my life, and it is my responsibility to take action to make my body healthy so that I can live out His plans. I haven't actually formulated a plan, but I have put some people in place to talk to who can help me through this journey. It's going to take a lot of work, a lot of patience, a lot of tears and a lot of prayer, but I am determined to change the way I eat, so that I can have confidence in my eating habits instead of hiding them.

So there it is. A plan....sort of.  I covet your prayers and encouragement through this time. It's going to be rough and it's going to take changing a lot about what my mind tells me about food, but I know that God can make this change in me.

So, let's all sing it out with David Bowie...
"ch-ch-ch-ch-changes, turn and face the strain...ch-ch-changes..."

expectations

Motherhood is filled with expectations--most of them failed expectations. These expectations start the day you find out you're pregnant. There are expectations about the gender of the baby, when the baby will be born, how big the baby will be, how labor and delivery will go, how breastfeeding will go, when your baby will reach any and all milestones, when your baby will get teeth, when your baby will walk, and talk, and run and jump and sleep through the night and eat with a spoon. The list itself is exhausting, so imagine actually living through this. If you are a mom, you have.

I was given a ridiculous amount of advice through my pregnancy and through Cory's first year, but the one piece of advice I was not given was not to expect anything. If I were giving anyone who is about to have children any advice that is what it would be: Don't Expect ANYTHING! There's no need for it, and all it does is set everyone up for failure.

I had expectations for all things listed above, and out of all of those, the only thing that met my expectations was that Cory was born a boy...and I only expected him to be a boy because the ultrasound tech told me he was. Other than that, every single one of my expectations failed. Am I upset about it? Absolutely not. The only thing I am upset about is that I set myself and Cory up for failure from day one. How can I expect anything about something I've never done. Every mom and baby is different and will do everything differently than someone else. Not a single birth story is the same, so why would I expect my birth story to go just how I planned it to go? Not every baby is the same, so how can I expect Cory to follow all "milestone marks"?

It seems so simple. Just don't expect anything. Let everything happen. Simple, right? Nope! It's a VERY difficult thing to let go of. I'm not sure about anyone else, but for me, the idea of "expecting" and "planning" is my way of thinking that I am "controlling" how things will play out. But, am I actually in control of all of this? As much as I like to think so, I'm not. I can't control one thing about Cory other than what he wears, and even then, he will get it dirty before I need him to wear it, so I wouldn't even say I control that. God is in control of everything, and He has taught me more in the last two years than in my entire life. Confession: I have control issues...ha! understatement of the century. I have had huge events in my life that have forced me to give up control. My husband was in Iraq for 12 months...talk about a loss of control. And now, I have a 15 month old son who cannot walk...loss of control. It would seem that my life is spiraling out of control, when in fact, I am learning to give up control and give it back to who it belongs to. God has the control of my and Cory's life, so why am I fighting to take something that can never be mine?

I wish I could have realized this about 2 years ago and I could have saved myself a great deal of stress, anxiety, grief, guilt and sorrow. Even though all of my expectations failed, I feel that neither I nor Cory has failed. Every part of my pregnancy, delivery and every stage of Cory's life has gone exactly how God intended it to go, and to know that, gives me a sense of security that no expectation can ever give. Praise God for being in control of us.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. "

John 16:33 (NIV)

unplugged

I am currently recovering a 4 day "holiday" from my computer. It was not necessarily a planned or even desired holiday. We moved offices at work, and they needed our computers for the weekend to set things up. To avoid waking up early Saturday morning to bring it in, I left it Friday afternoon and just got it back today. At some point over the weekend, I made the decision to "challenge" myself to go 4 full days without it. I ignored the fact that Kai's laptop was in the drawer downstairs and I stayed unplugged for 4 days. Before you get too impressed or give me too much sympathy, I should share that I did have my iPhone, which is essentially a small computer, but it's just not the same. I don't use my phone for all the things I do on my computer simply because it's easier to type long emails, shop online, write, or do anything with pictures on my computer. So, even though I had my phone, it was still very difficult to go this long without having my computer. I so wish that I could share that I had some sort of wonderful experience to prove that we do not need all the modern technologies that we have today, but I can't. In fact, I realized how much I do NEED (want) my computer. As sad as it is, my life is very reliant on this machine.

At first, the idea of not having my computer around meant that I could tackle some other projects that needed my attention. However, we cleaned the house Friday and finished all the laundry (which never happens), so I couldn't do either of those things. Kai had drill for the weekend, which eliminated any projects and organizing that I needed his help with (taking down Christmas lights) I don't start school until January 31, so I didn't even have homework to do. Coming off of a month so busy that I barely had time to breath, I was shocked that I actually had "nothing to do" during Cory's naps. It was wonderful, but it was also a little uncomfortable for me because I am always busy. I don't know how to not be busy. So, what did I do these 4 days with "nothing to do"? Well, I took some naps, watched lots of TV (probably too much) worked on Cory's baby book (which, sadly, is still not close to being done), and organized some cabinets and drawers that needed attention. I wouldn't say that I was incredibly productive, but I was able to focus on something things around the house that often get ignored when I'm busy with everything else. It was nice to focus on those things, but I am beyond happy to have my computer home again.

memory monday

I had to write an autobiography for my Child Psychology class last semester, which got me thinking about some childhood memories. I decided that I would start "Memory Monday" for my blog and share some of those memories. Sounds fun, right? I thought so.

Since it's January, I think it is fitting to share a few memories including cold and snow. I was born and "raised" in Texas. I moved to Indiana when I was eleven, which is why I can't completely consider Texas as my home during my entire "raising". Anyway, Texas isn't typically known for having snow. It's not that we never had snow. Sometimes there was "snow", which was more like tiny balls of ice that would fall and collect in small piles on the ground. Whatever it was, it was a big deal for us. I remember going outside in the middle of the day in elementary school if it started "snowing" and we would all just stand around on the playground looking up at the sky and catching snow in our mouths. It was like we had been living in a cave and had just seen sunlight for the first time. Since snow was not very common, sledding was definitely not a common occurrence. However, I remember a particular winter that we got a big snow. By big snow, I of course mean less than one inch. You could visibly see the grass and driveways, but this did not stop us from attempting to sled. Our neighbors across the street from our house had a VERY steep driveway, so it was the perfect sledding hill. All the kids from the neighborhood gathered together to go sledding. Now, let me help paint this picture by explaining that we certainly did not have sleds. No, no. We had to make do with what Texan children have, which was, of course, pool supplies. We used inner-tubes, rafts and also trash can lids. They probably did not work as well as real sleds, but then again, there was less than 1 inch of snow/ice, so it probably wouldn't have been a great sledding experience regardless.

When we were a little older and lived in a different house, we had a little bit bigger snow storm. If my memory serves me correctly, snow covered the grass and roads. I have no idea how many actual inches of snow there was, but at the time, it seemed like a large amount. There were some kids in the neighborhood from Michigan, so they came out with ACTUAL sleds and they organized a real snow ball fight. We gathered around in the cul-de-sac and threw real snowballs at each other. It was such a blast.

Those are my only real memories of snow in Texas. My family went on ski trips every year to Colorado or New Mexico, so we had seen real snow before, but having it at our home was a different world. When we moved to Indiana, we were in shock of all the snow that was actually at our house that we could play in. It was a lot of fun.

Well, there it is. A few small memories of my childhood. I'm sure there will be more to follow...

a battle of wills

Cory is now 14 months old. I can't believe it. As sentimental as I am about his babyhood slipping away, I have other intentions for this post. As Cory gets older, we delve deeper into understanding his personality and the things that he likes, and of course, the things that he dislikes. I would like to take a moment to share with all of you the person that my little baby is turning into.

Cory is hilarious, and he absolutely loves to laugh. It doesn't take much to get that belly laugh out of him, and it truly melts my heart every time. He laughs at everything. He is definitely ticklish, but he laughs the most when I dance around and almost tickle him. He just cringes in anticipation and thinks it is the funniest thing. He's always been a very smiley baby, and I absolutely love that about him.

One of Cory's favorite things is music. Almost any kind of music stops him in his tracks and catches his attention. He will do one of the following to show he likes the music that's on: 1) he will bounce up and down really fast, or 2) he will shake his head back and forth really fast. He hasn't quite mastered tempo and rhythm, but we've got time for that.

Another thing Cory loves to do is sleep. He sleeps more than any other child I've ever known, which is great for our busy full-time student/part-time employee schedules. All you have to do is say, "Cory, are you ready to go to sleep?" and he gets giddy with excitement.

Cory also adores bath time. He crawls as fast as he can upstairs and to the bathroom as soon as we announce it's time for a bath. He loves the water, and he loves to splash. We know that when he gets a bath, we will have to change clothes afterward seeing as they are soaking wet from all the splashing. Since he has eczema, he can't get a bath very often, but when he does he is the happiest kid on earth.

Now that I've painted a picture for you of the happy-go-lucky baby that Cory is, I would like to counter that by introducing Cory's dark side. After my brother, Tanner, Cory is the most stubborn person I have ever met. He absolutely will not do anything that is not his idea. This is one of the main reasons that he is still not walking. Although, we just found out that his right foot turns inward, I am convinced it is his stubbornness that has prevented this milestone. If we try to make him stand up, sit somewhere, or do anything that he doesn't want to do he throws his arms in the air, bends his legs and slides all the way down to the ground. Yes, it's a little bit funny, but it's mostly frustrating. The most frustrating part for me is knowing that it will only get worse and he will only get more stubborn as he gets older (reminder: I saw evidence of this with my brother) An example of Cory's stubborn nature and the inspiration for this post happened during Cory's "naptime" this morning. Cory is a baby that LOVES a schedule. He put himself on a strict schedule for naps, and he thrives on it. His morning nap is from 10:00 to 11:30 every day, so at 10:00 today I put him down, and he was of course giddy with excitement. I came downstairs and noticed after about 10-15 minutes that he was standing up and talking, which is not like him. Usually, he is asleep within minutes. I figured he had a dirty diaper, so I went to change him and put him back down. I assumed he would go right to sleep, but instead he decided to start a screaming fit. He screamed off and on for about an hour. I went in half way through to rock him for a minute just so he could calm down enough to go back to sleep. After he calmed down and looked very tired, I gave him cues that it was nap time and he got very excited. The second I shut the door the screaming continued. I decided to give him until 11:30 to fall asleep. At 11:20, I started to get nervous and had decided that maybe the morning nap wouldn't happen today. I had accepted it and moved on. I stuck with my plan of 11:30, and at 11:25 I looked at the monitor and what do you know, he was asleep. This is just one example of the "battle of wills" that we experience on a day-to-day basis. I know that this is not unlike many other children, but I fear for what the future holds for this child. Before I talk more about my brother, I want to give a disclaimer that I truly love him. He is such an awesome guy, and we have always been very close. He is very talented and creative, and I know that he has so much in store for his future. Having said that, he is certainly a VERY stubborn person. When he was a child, it was a battle to get him to do ANYTHING. We fought to get him out of bed in the morning, get him to get ready for school, get him to do his homework, get him to take a bath, get him to get out of the bath, and get him to go to bed. It was never-ending and it continued all the way through high school. Tanner just has his own mind, and nobody in the world can change it. I fear that Cory will be like this, and honestly I don't know if I have the strength to parent another Tanner. I do know, however, that God gave me this child and He gave me the gift of being Cory's mom, and I am so grateful for that no matter how stubborn Cory gets. I love that little guy more than life, and he is such a joy to have around. I just know that we will have many battles of wills, and I pray that God gives me the strength and patience to live through them all.