procrastination

I honestly don't know how I can want so badly to avoid something, but it inevitably sneaks its way into my life. What is that something? Procrastination. Every upcoming project that arises begins with a go-get-em attitude where nothing can stop me, and then somehow many many many days pass and all of the sudden I'm left with a fast approaching deadline and lots of work left to do. This happens with everything in my life, but it happens most often with schoolwork. Every. Single. Semester. It's exhausting. I start out every semester saying, "I will get things done on time" or even "I will work ahead and get things turned in early" Nope. Never happens. Instead, what happens is that I get so ridiculously far behind that I sometimes have to drop classes because there's no possible way that I can finish. Well, this semester is no different. However, the big problem is that I am graduating in May and I cannot drop any classes. If I do, I can't graduate on time and I will lose financial aid. Pretty serious consequences. So basically, I don't have a choice. I have to finish. Let me briefly express some of the deadlines I have this month so that you might get a small glimpse into the stress I have for the next few weeks.

The following is a list of the homework assignments I have left to do before December 16. Yes, that is 16 days away. I'm aware.

9 Accounting Homework Assignments

4 Accounting Tests

1 Accounting Paper

1 LARGE Economics assignment

1 Economics Final Exam

1 Novel to read and paper to write for Child Psychology

1 Assignment for Child Psych (including 3 interviews and 3 papers)

1 20-Page Paper for Child Psych

1 Final Paper (4 pages) for E-Commerce

In addition to all of that school work, I have a baby shower to host, a job that I have to get ahead on because I will be missing two weeks in a row due to vacation and sinus surgery, a very active 13-month old to take care of, a house to keep semi-clean, Christmas gifts to buy and wrap, and a vacation to pack for. This isn't packing like I usually do when I stuff our car full of anything we could possibly need while we're gone. No. I have to pack for all three of us to go on an airplane. We are restricted to 4 checked bags including 2 snowboard bags and a pack and play, and we can only have 2 carry-ons each which will be filled with infinite activities to keep Cory quiet on the plane. My head is spinning just because of the thought of taking Cory on a plane. I am grateful for the education I am getting, I am grateful for a wonderful job and VERY understanding boss, I am SO grateful for my sister-in-law and her wonderful baby boy that will be joining our family, I am so grateful for Cory and my house that I need to clean, and I am extremely grateful for the chance to go snowboarding in Utah with my family. This gratefulness, however, does not take away the overwhelming stress that I am experiencing because of all of these wonderful things.

I want no pity from this post. I brought it on myself. What I do want is to explain to everyone I know why I may not be responding to e-mails, texts, phone calls or facebook messages for the month of December. All my homework is due December 16. Then, we leave for our trip Dec. 17 and return on Christmas Eve. December 28th I am having sinus surgery. My goal is to basically just survive through the month December. So, here's to December...I hope I make it through alive and in one piece. See you all in January. Thank you, procrastination, for taking over my life once again.

veteran's day

On December 4, 2003 Kai enlisted in the Army National Guard. It's hard to believe that for almost 7 years we have lived the military lifestyle even if sometimes it's only "part-time". These last 7 years have brought many struggles and difficulties, but there are many things to be grateful for as well.

Kai and I started dating October of 2002, so for almost the entirety of our relationship Kai has been in the Army. When I was a kid, I decided that I would never marry a man who was an astronaut, cop, fireman or in the military, but what do you do when your 17 year old boyfriend wants to join the Army and you really like him? I'll tell you what you do. You suck it up, support him and realize that this is what he's supposed to do. This is definitely what Kai is supposed to do. As much as he hates going to drill, he loves being in the Army, and he thrives there.

In February of 2008, we had a huge bomb dropped on us. We had only been married 8 months when we were informed that Kai was being deployed to Iraq for 12 months. It was a VERY difficult piece of information for me to digest. Over the next 4 months, I lived with fear, dread, anxiety, and quite frankly, a sense of impending doom. How could I, at age 21, accept the fact that my husband was going off to war? It was tough. He left July 15, 2008 for training. He came home for 4 days at the beginning of September, and then on September 7, 2009, we said goodbye. It was and might always be the hardest day of my life. How do you cope with something like that? And so it began. Our very long and emotional journey through a 12-month deployment. He came home in February for 2 weeks, but other than that we were apart until July 1, 2009 (one of the best days of my life).

As hard as the deployment was for me, I know it was even harder for Kai. He was living in a war zone, going on dangerous missions almost every day, missing out on every birthday, holiday and big event going on at home. He made so many sacrifices over that year.

That deployment was very difficult, and I never want to do it again. However, I am so grateful for the experience we had, and I am so proud of Kai. I was always proud of him for being in the Army, but there is something to be said for actually going to Iraq and living in a combat zone for several months. We gained a huge sense of appreciation for each other and our marriage. God taught us a lot over that year, and I am happy for what we learned.

Today, and everyday, I am thankful for Kai, his battle buddies, and all other service men and women who have fought for our country. I am thankful that Kai and his unit made it home safely, and I pray for those who did not. As Americans, we can never truly understand what these service men and women have gone through, and we can never thank them enough. They have done more for me than I have ever done for anyone, and for that I say, "Thank You!"

September 7, 2008

February 10, 2009

a time for reflection

It's a few days late, but I felt I needed to reflect a bit on the last year of my life. On November 6, 2009 at 11:14 PM, we welcomed the most beautiful baby into this world. (really, he was) I could not have been happier to 1) not be pregnant anymore 2) have actually lived through that delivery and 3) meet the little buddy we had been praying over for the last 9 months. It was the most amazing moment of my life.

I have heard so many cliche sayings from other moms like, "having a baby will change your life", "it is love at first sight" and "once you hold that baby in your arms you forget all the pain and effort it took to get to that point". People can tell you these things over and over again, but until you've actually endured a 40-week (or longer) pregnancy, and endured a 36-hour (or longer) labor and gone through the emotional ups and downs of pregnancy and giving birth, you absolutely cannot understand what these women are telling you. It is amazing how you instantly have a bond, not only with that adorable little baby, but also with every single other mom on this earth as soon as you give birth. Being a mom is like nothing else in the world, and we can all relate on a level that, I believe, nobody else can. It's incredible.

Aside from all that, I just want to write a bit about how Cory has changed my life over the last year. Up until and probably including November 6, I was not sure I could be a mom. How do you really know if you're ready? You don't. Nobody can ever prepare you for motherhood. Luckily, though, instinct kicks in and you figure things out. I'm not going to lie and say we did not have a few mishaps with Cory over the last year, but overall, we knew what to do and, more importantly, what not to do. It's a pretty terrifying thing being sent home with an 8 lb. newborn that has no idea what's going on with this new world knowing that you and your husband alone have to care for this child and sustain his life. At the beginning it was hard caring for this baby every second of the day without any sort of reward from him. However, that all changed when I got to experience his first smile. I hope I never forget that day. I was so tired, and all I wanted to do was sleep for about 4 days in order to recover from what I had been through the last 3 weeks. I was holding Cory in our room, looking at him and then like a beam of light he smiled at me. Granted, it was pretty deformed and it seemed to take a lot of work on his part, but it was miraculous nonetheless. I couldn't believe that this little being I had been caring for was actually showing love and emotion. It melted my heart in a way that I can never really explain. From that moment on it was day in and day out of new experiences and new expressions of love. He is my everything. He has taught me what it means to love and what it means to sacrifice what I want for what someone else needs. It doesn't matter what I feel like doing, I have to feed Cory and take care of him every day. Some days it takes more effort than others, but I know I have to do it for him. Even when I don't feel well, I still want to be with him. I hate every second I'm away from him. I still get giddy in the morning when it's time to get him out of bed. He's such a joy, and every day seems to get better. This first year has brought so many laughs, smiles, kisses, hugs, tears, worries, and prayers. Although it hasn't been perfect, I wouldn't trade any second of it.

I am so grateful for every moment I have had with my little buddy, and I cannot wait to see the man he grows into (a long, long time from now).