a time for reflection

It's a few days late, but I felt I needed to reflect a bit on the last year of my life. On November 6, 2009 at 11:14 PM, we welcomed the most beautiful baby into this world. (really, he was) I could not have been happier to 1) not be pregnant anymore 2) have actually lived through that delivery and 3) meet the little buddy we had been praying over for the last 9 months. It was the most amazing moment of my life.

I have heard so many cliche sayings from other moms like, "having a baby will change your life", "it is love at first sight" and "once you hold that baby in your arms you forget all the pain and effort it took to get to that point". People can tell you these things over and over again, but until you've actually endured a 40-week (or longer) pregnancy, and endured a 36-hour (or longer) labor and gone through the emotional ups and downs of pregnancy and giving birth, you absolutely cannot understand what these women are telling you. It is amazing how you instantly have a bond, not only with that adorable little baby, but also with every single other mom on this earth as soon as you give birth. Being a mom is like nothing else in the world, and we can all relate on a level that, I believe, nobody else can. It's incredible.

Aside from all that, I just want to write a bit about how Cory has changed my life over the last year. Up until and probably including November 6, I was not sure I could be a mom. How do you really know if you're ready? You don't. Nobody can ever prepare you for motherhood. Luckily, though, instinct kicks in and you figure things out. I'm not going to lie and say we did not have a few mishaps with Cory over the last year, but overall, we knew what to do and, more importantly, what not to do. It's a pretty terrifying thing being sent home with an 8 lb. newborn that has no idea what's going on with this new world knowing that you and your husband alone have to care for this child and sustain his life. At the beginning it was hard caring for this baby every second of the day without any sort of reward from him. However, that all changed when I got to experience his first smile. I hope I never forget that day. I was so tired, and all I wanted to do was sleep for about 4 days in order to recover from what I had been through the last 3 weeks. I was holding Cory in our room, looking at him and then like a beam of light he smiled at me. Granted, it was pretty deformed and it seemed to take a lot of work on his part, but it was miraculous nonetheless. I couldn't believe that this little being I had been caring for was actually showing love and emotion. It melted my heart in a way that I can never really explain. From that moment on it was day in and day out of new experiences and new expressions of love. He is my everything. He has taught me what it means to love and what it means to sacrifice what I want for what someone else needs. It doesn't matter what I feel like doing, I have to feed Cory and take care of him every day. Some days it takes more effort than others, but I know I have to do it for him. Even when I don't feel well, I still want to be with him. I hate every second I'm away from him. I still get giddy in the morning when it's time to get him out of bed. He's such a joy, and every day seems to get better. This first year has brought so many laughs, smiles, kisses, hugs, tears, worries, and prayers. Although it hasn't been perfect, I wouldn't trade any second of it.

I am so grateful for every moment I have had with my little buddy, and I cannot wait to see the man he grows into (a long, long time from now).