holiday recovery

Ahh, finally I have time to blog again. The last few weeks have been rather crazy in the Buwalda household. This next week will add some extra craziness as well, but before I get into that I would like to quickly recap everything that has been going on. I finished school (YES!). This was not an easy task with a job, and active 13 month old, and a house that needs constant attention. I worked really hard at work to get several weeks ahead so that I could complete my other life tasks. The day after my finals at school were due, we headed out for a week-long family vacation to Utah. As much as I was looking forward to going on vacation, the stress of packing with all the weight and bag limit restrictions was too much to handle. I can barely pack up for a weekend in chicago when my only limitations are whatever fits in my Pilot. The fact that I had to pack no more than 2 bags for each of us, including 2 snowboard bags and a pack and play was a lot of pressure, not to mention the whole issue of carry-on bags. How am I supposed to predict what it will take to make a 13-month old happy and quiet on a 3 hour plane ride? Regardless, I got it done, and we made it there with only 1 bag that was 8 lbs. overweight :-/ The vacation was wonderful, and Cory was great on the flight and through the whole week. We got home very late on the night before Christmas Eve, and thus began the craziness of the holidays and all that comes along with it including cookie-baking, Christmas Eve services, family gatherings, all while just wanting to sit at home and rest up from the trip. I had to work this morning (the day after Christmas) but after that I came home and Cory and I took a 4 hour nap. He must have been just as worn out as I was from the last few weeks. Either way, we survived the holidays with family, and we got done almost everything that we needed to get done.

Our next big adventure is this Tuesday. Cory is getting tubes in his ears very early Tuesday morning and that afternoon I am having sinus surgery. I cannot say that I'm not nervous about surgery, but I am much more nervous about the fact that they won't let me eat the whole day, and my surgery isn't until 1. I don't think I've even made it until 10:00 without eating before. This should be very interesting. I am not pleased with this surgery, but I am so looking forward to the relief from frequent sinus infections.

I am very excited for Cory to get tubes because that poor boy needs some relief as well. Not only that, but we are hoping this will help with some developmental delays he is experiencing. He is behind in communication and gross motor skills which could be caused from the fluid in his ears. We are hoping that this under-water feeling goes away so that he can learn to form words on his own and gain some balance. The gross motor problem might still exist, but he all of the sudden has decided to pull up on everything. Hopefully with some physical therapy and strong motivators we can get this kid walking.

Prayers over these next few days would be appreciated. Prayers for our surgeries as well as prayers for Kai and his sanity while he helps us recover.

procrastination

I honestly don't know how I can want so badly to avoid something, but it inevitably sneaks its way into my life. What is that something? Procrastination. Every upcoming project that arises begins with a go-get-em attitude where nothing can stop me, and then somehow many many many days pass and all of the sudden I'm left with a fast approaching deadline and lots of work left to do. This happens with everything in my life, but it happens most often with schoolwork. Every. Single. Semester. It's exhausting. I start out every semester saying, "I will get things done on time" or even "I will work ahead and get things turned in early" Nope. Never happens. Instead, what happens is that I get so ridiculously far behind that I sometimes have to drop classes because there's no possible way that I can finish. Well, this semester is no different. However, the big problem is that I am graduating in May and I cannot drop any classes. If I do, I can't graduate on time and I will lose financial aid. Pretty serious consequences. So basically, I don't have a choice. I have to finish. Let me briefly express some of the deadlines I have this month so that you might get a small glimpse into the stress I have for the next few weeks.

The following is a list of the homework assignments I have left to do before December 16. Yes, that is 16 days away. I'm aware.

9 Accounting Homework Assignments

4 Accounting Tests

1 Accounting Paper

1 LARGE Economics assignment

1 Economics Final Exam

1 Novel to read and paper to write for Child Psychology

1 Assignment for Child Psych (including 3 interviews and 3 papers)

1 20-Page Paper for Child Psych

1 Final Paper (4 pages) for E-Commerce

In addition to all of that school work, I have a baby shower to host, a job that I have to get ahead on because I will be missing two weeks in a row due to vacation and sinus surgery, a very active 13-month old to take care of, a house to keep semi-clean, Christmas gifts to buy and wrap, and a vacation to pack for. This isn't packing like I usually do when I stuff our car full of anything we could possibly need while we're gone. No. I have to pack for all three of us to go on an airplane. We are restricted to 4 checked bags including 2 snowboard bags and a pack and play, and we can only have 2 carry-ons each which will be filled with infinite activities to keep Cory quiet on the plane. My head is spinning just because of the thought of taking Cory on a plane. I am grateful for the education I am getting, I am grateful for a wonderful job and VERY understanding boss, I am SO grateful for my sister-in-law and her wonderful baby boy that will be joining our family, I am so grateful for Cory and my house that I need to clean, and I am extremely grateful for the chance to go snowboarding in Utah with my family. This gratefulness, however, does not take away the overwhelming stress that I am experiencing because of all of these wonderful things.

I want no pity from this post. I brought it on myself. What I do want is to explain to everyone I know why I may not be responding to e-mails, texts, phone calls or facebook messages for the month of December. All my homework is due December 16. Then, we leave for our trip Dec. 17 and return on Christmas Eve. December 28th I am having sinus surgery. My goal is to basically just survive through the month December. So, here's to December...I hope I make it through alive and in one piece. See you all in January. Thank you, procrastination, for taking over my life once again.

veteran's day

On December 4, 2003 Kai enlisted in the Army National Guard. It's hard to believe that for almost 7 years we have lived the military lifestyle even if sometimes it's only "part-time". These last 7 years have brought many struggles and difficulties, but there are many things to be grateful for as well.

Kai and I started dating October of 2002, so for almost the entirety of our relationship Kai has been in the Army. When I was a kid, I decided that I would never marry a man who was an astronaut, cop, fireman or in the military, but what do you do when your 17 year old boyfriend wants to join the Army and you really like him? I'll tell you what you do. You suck it up, support him and realize that this is what he's supposed to do. This is definitely what Kai is supposed to do. As much as he hates going to drill, he loves being in the Army, and he thrives there.

In February of 2008, we had a huge bomb dropped on us. We had only been married 8 months when we were informed that Kai was being deployed to Iraq for 12 months. It was a VERY difficult piece of information for me to digest. Over the next 4 months, I lived with fear, dread, anxiety, and quite frankly, a sense of impending doom. How could I, at age 21, accept the fact that my husband was going off to war? It was tough. He left July 15, 2008 for training. He came home for 4 days at the beginning of September, and then on September 7, 2009, we said goodbye. It was and might always be the hardest day of my life. How do you cope with something like that? And so it began. Our very long and emotional journey through a 12-month deployment. He came home in February for 2 weeks, but other than that we were apart until July 1, 2009 (one of the best days of my life).

As hard as the deployment was for me, I know it was even harder for Kai. He was living in a war zone, going on dangerous missions almost every day, missing out on every birthday, holiday and big event going on at home. He made so many sacrifices over that year.

That deployment was very difficult, and I never want to do it again. However, I am so grateful for the experience we had, and I am so proud of Kai. I was always proud of him for being in the Army, but there is something to be said for actually going to Iraq and living in a combat zone for several months. We gained a huge sense of appreciation for each other and our marriage. God taught us a lot over that year, and I am happy for what we learned.

Today, and everyday, I am thankful for Kai, his battle buddies, and all other service men and women who have fought for our country. I am thankful that Kai and his unit made it home safely, and I pray for those who did not. As Americans, we can never truly understand what these service men and women have gone through, and we can never thank them enough. They have done more for me than I have ever done for anyone, and for that I say, "Thank You!"

September 7, 2008

February 10, 2009

a time for reflection

It's a few days late, but I felt I needed to reflect a bit on the last year of my life. On November 6, 2009 at 11:14 PM, we welcomed the most beautiful baby into this world. (really, he was) I could not have been happier to 1) not be pregnant anymore 2) have actually lived through that delivery and 3) meet the little buddy we had been praying over for the last 9 months. It was the most amazing moment of my life.

I have heard so many cliche sayings from other moms like, "having a baby will change your life", "it is love at first sight" and "once you hold that baby in your arms you forget all the pain and effort it took to get to that point". People can tell you these things over and over again, but until you've actually endured a 40-week (or longer) pregnancy, and endured a 36-hour (or longer) labor and gone through the emotional ups and downs of pregnancy and giving birth, you absolutely cannot understand what these women are telling you. It is amazing how you instantly have a bond, not only with that adorable little baby, but also with every single other mom on this earth as soon as you give birth. Being a mom is like nothing else in the world, and we can all relate on a level that, I believe, nobody else can. It's incredible.

Aside from all that, I just want to write a bit about how Cory has changed my life over the last year. Up until and probably including November 6, I was not sure I could be a mom. How do you really know if you're ready? You don't. Nobody can ever prepare you for motherhood. Luckily, though, instinct kicks in and you figure things out. I'm not going to lie and say we did not have a few mishaps with Cory over the last year, but overall, we knew what to do and, more importantly, what not to do. It's a pretty terrifying thing being sent home with an 8 lb. newborn that has no idea what's going on with this new world knowing that you and your husband alone have to care for this child and sustain his life. At the beginning it was hard caring for this baby every second of the day without any sort of reward from him. However, that all changed when I got to experience his first smile. I hope I never forget that day. I was so tired, and all I wanted to do was sleep for about 4 days in order to recover from what I had been through the last 3 weeks. I was holding Cory in our room, looking at him and then like a beam of light he smiled at me. Granted, it was pretty deformed and it seemed to take a lot of work on his part, but it was miraculous nonetheless. I couldn't believe that this little being I had been caring for was actually showing love and emotion. It melted my heart in a way that I can never really explain. From that moment on it was day in and day out of new experiences and new expressions of love. He is my everything. He has taught me what it means to love and what it means to sacrifice what I want for what someone else needs. It doesn't matter what I feel like doing, I have to feed Cory and take care of him every day. Some days it takes more effort than others, but I know I have to do it for him. Even when I don't feel well, I still want to be with him. I hate every second I'm away from him. I still get giddy in the morning when it's time to get him out of bed. He's such a joy, and every day seems to get better. This first year has brought so many laughs, smiles, kisses, hugs, tears, worries, and prayers. Although it hasn't been perfect, I wouldn't trade any second of it.

I am so grateful for every moment I have had with my little buddy, and I cannot wait to see the man he grows into (a long, long time from now).

my perfect birthday

Before today, if somebody would have asked me what my perfect birthday would consist of, I would probably say something like this:

Wake up in the morning to cinnamon rolls, bacon and orange juice delivered to me in bed (after sleeping in) by Kai and Cory (who has already been fed breakfast). After that, I would like to enjoy the following festivities in no particular order: make some cards, watch The Office, go to Target and maybe take a nap. I would end the day by having an indoor pizza picnic while watching a good movie.

Basically, I think birthdays are a big deal, and I believe that it should be a whole day filled with the birthday boy or girl's favorite things.

I was apprehensive about my birthday this year because Kai and I were both very busy all day with work and school, so I planned for tomorrow to be my actual birthday celebration that consisted of the events described above. However, after today, I have to say that I absolutely did not give Kai enough credit. He has told me "Happy Birthday" about 42 times today (which is enough to make me smile) and he started the day by giving me a homemade card. Yes, that's right, he MADE me a card, WITH Cory's handprint inside! (too sweet) Half-way through the day he came home from school with an Ingrid Michaelson CD, Valentine's Day on DVD and the most comfortable pajama pants. Tonight, after watching The Office, we decided to make a red velvet cake with cream cheese icing (my favorite) and while I was pouring the cake batter into the pan, Kai realized that I had accidentally bought icing that was manufactured with nuts. Don't worry, I'm just as shocked as all of you are that I could be so careless! LUCKILY, he caught it before I ate any. I could have spent my birthday in the ER (not great). After I had come to the realization that I would not be getting birthday cake, Kai informed me that he would gladly make a trip to the store to buy more icing (seriously? he's awesome!) 15 minutes later he comes home with icing....AND FLOWERS!! In addition to all the wonderful things that Kai has done for me all day, I have had ridiculous amounts of calls, texts, facebook posts and messages, texts and e-mail birthday messages. Let me just say, I love getting birthday messages and calls throughout the day, and after 5 birthdays on facebook, it does not get old to get on throughout the day and see all the numerous posts from your friends. Nothing can make a day brighter than that!

All this to say, I have had a pretty stellar birthday. I did not need to go and plan a separate day because I thought my real day wouldn't be sufficient. It's been great! I could not feel more loved and appreciated than I do right now. To all my friends and family: Thank you for making my birthday so special...I love you all!!

now that i'm a mom

How often do new parents hear the phrase, “a baby changes everything”? Well, I will definitely say that becoming a mom has changed me in many ways. Here is a list of just a few…

Now that I’m a mom…

…I plan my day according to nap-time and awake-time

…I look forward to going to the pediatrician’s office for check-ups

…I have a reason to get healthy

…my laundry piles are astronomical

…the word “grandma” has a whole new meaning

…a trip to Target alone feels like a vacation

…I now know what having a “goal weight” means

…I understand the love God has for us in a whole new way

…I will drag my full cart into the family bathroom at Target with no shame (when you gotta go, you gotta go)

…I can pack for a trip and make sure everyone else has what they need while forgetting my own coat

…I love my husband even more than I did before

…it takes me 20 minutes just to leave the house

…my living room is now overcome with primary colors

…I LOVE COUPONS

…I am thankful for date night (if ever and whenever it happens)

…I know what real love is

…I wish every store had a drive-thru

…I don’t love my dog anymore (but I don’t hate her either)

…I will spend my gift-cards on baby clothes instead of my own clothes

…I have to be brave

…I have a new respect for my mom

…I can leave dirty dishes in the sink

…I wish I could cook

…I don’t have time to myself

…I try to soak up every minute with my son

prisoner in my own home

I absolutely loathe spiders. I can honestly use that word without any second thought as to whether or not it is too strong. This is legit. Every time I see a spider, (mostly when it's inside) every fiber of my body freezes and I try to decide if it is rational to just flee the building and leave whatever I was doing. Seeing as that is not typically the most rational response, I have someone dispose of it quickly. If nobody is around, I decide if I can truly muster up the strength to kill it or if I just wait for someone to arrive and hope that it is still there.

I recently had a very close encounter with a VERY large spider. It was about 6 inches away from Cory's face, and about a foot away from mine...TOO, TOO CLOSE! I grabbed Cory, ran downstairs, and waited two hours for Kai to get home. I just prayed that the spider would still be visible, so that I could rest assured it was dead. Unfortunately, Kai got home and we searched and searched for this big thing and it was nowhere to be found. Darn spider. Lucky day for him, but a very unlucky day for me.

Whenever there is a spider unaccounted for lurking in my home, I absolutely cannot focus on anything. I don't want to sit down because I'm afraid it will crawl on me. I'm constantly scanning the room to see if I can spot anything out of the ordinary. It absolutely takes over my life. It makes me feel like a prisoner in my own home. Now, imagine if you will, a week of this. It has been miserable looking for that spider. I knew that it was still in the house. I just knew he hadn't gone anywhere. He was just waiting to show himself again and scare me to absolute death. Well, we got home from Chicago tonight, and he made his appearance. Right in the middle of the door in the hallway. There he lie as I almost walked right past it. I was beyond grateful that Kai was home this time. I do not know what I would have done if I let this guy roam free twice. He was honestly huge. We're talking golfball size.

Now that he's dead and gone, I still can't help but think he had invited friends over with him. I still have that paranoid feeling that there are more lurking somewhere. It makes going to sleep very difficult. I have heard horror stories of spiders biting people or laying eggs in their eye while their sleeping. Seriously? That would be the worst thing ever! I'm very glad that vengeance was had on the spider, and I just hope that no more make themselves known here in this house. They'll be sorry.

starting fresh

Well, here I am again: venturing into the world of blogging. I cannot count how many times I have tried to do this, but I think this time might be a success for me. I have been "blogging" for the past year on a site intended to keep track of your children and their development. However, I didn't feel like it was a place that I could write about anything other than my son. I feel as though I have many thoughts to, not necessarily share, but write down somewhere. Blogging seems like the right platform just in case there is anyone who is curious of what goes on in this head of mine. I do not intend for this blog to be followed by thousands, or hundreds, or even by one person. I only intend this blog to be a place for me to organize my own thoughts and to have a place to vent, share or encourage.

I guess I can explain the blog title. First off, it's a line from one of my favorite songs, "You and I" by Ingrid Michaelson. Also, it pretty much sums up my life right now. My husband, Kai and I are both working part time jobs while going to school full time and raising a very active almost one year old boy. Needless to say, this is not the most financially stable time in our lives. However, in the midst of it all, we have our love and laughter to keep us going strong.